5 Flint Smartphone Apps We Need Now
There is no denying that The People of Flint, like myself are extremely proud to call The Vehicle City their home and I think our smartphones should reflect our Flint pride. We work hard and play harder (that isn't an erection reference, but feel free to giggle) we demand apps tailored to our needs. That's why I have come up with a list of apps that need to be made for the people of Flint.
Beer Goggle De-Fogger
The morning after what you thought was a great night of partying and you look in the bed next to you and wonder if you went the bar or livestock auction. Your heart burns of regret, your love parts burn of dirty love and you pray you weren't drunk enough to give Sasquatch's step-sister your real phone number. We've all been there — beer goggles. For those of you who don't know, beer goggles occurs when you drink too much and the alcohol clouds your perception and judgment. Beer goggles makes ugly people, seem less ugly. That's why I want to develop the Beer Goggle De-Fogger! You download the app and input some pictures, fill out some stats of what you consider attractive, then hit the town for a night of drinking. As you're out getting lit up on cheap booze, you come across a lady that looks like Kate Upton through your beer goggles. Snap a quick pic with your phone, hit the Beer Goggle De-Fogger and beep-boop-beep — science happens. It will check your picture database and your pre-approved sexy stats and tell you whether or not this creature meets your standards. This app could really help you from bedding down with a beast-a-saurus but let's be honest, you're still going take home anything with a pulse that throws a wink your way….which is fine, but that's assuming you make it home. DUI's are serious and no fun at all. That's why you need…
The Blood Alcohol Content Calculator is simple. Download B.A.C. calculator and answer a few simple questions about yourself, height, weight and what not. Then when you plan a night of drinking, type in all the food you ate that day and scan in each drink as you drink it. B.A.C. Calculator could give you a rough estimate of your blood alcohol content. So myself for example, 5'10″ (optimistically) 210 lbs. I've eaten bowl of Raisin Bran, a couple PowerBars, a ton of water and a cheeseburger…throw that info into the B.A.C calculator and belly up to the bar. Order a beer? throw the info in the app. Order some whiskey? throw it in the app. Order any drink with fruit in it? Don't worry about the app just have your boyfriend drive you home, Nancy. As I'm drinking, I scan each drink into my phone and let the magic of science and technology calculate calories and metabolism and give me an idea of where I am. Bam! No more DUI's! It's just that easy! Of course that would just be a rough estimate and drinking and driving never go together. At the very least this app could spark a new drinking game “guess how drunk I am.”
So, you did it. You've screwed up and now “The Man” is giving you a full on prostate check with the long arm of the law. That's right, Johnny Q. The Law is elbow deep inside of you (metaphorically) in the means of a tether. Look at the bright side, you were lucky enough to avoid the slammer but got stuck with a sweet fashion statement of shame. Now, if you were a true badass like me, a tether would be no sweat because the party would come to you. However, being the tether wearing bozo you are… you need to get out. Tether Tricker would be the app that scans the “airwaves” or whatever fancy smartass science word they use to explain how wireless tethers work, and match the signal like programming a universal TV remote and tell the tether you're always at home. Tether tricker would leave you free to roam anywhere you wish. Nothing says, I'm a badass more than flashing your tether at the naked lady clubs, in Flint that would definitely score you some free lap-dances. Chicks dig outlaws.
This one is pretty simple. You use it to take pictures of your poop and share them with a community of like minded frat-boy types. You could be awarded “prizes” for size, color, style, creativity… whatever. I mean, everybody poops, so the demographic for this app is huge. In ancient times, disrtibution of wealth was often determined by who could produce the largest steamer. Dookie is as old as time itself and technology should embrace it. Okay, so bottom line Crap-Ta-Gram is kinda trashy, low-brow and filthy…well, so is Flint. Tell me you honestly can't think of at least 5 people that would love this app.
Everyone in Flint has a crazy ex that they would most likely want to avoid (some even have multiple). Well, that's where Witch Hunter could come in. Your crazy ex probably has a really nice smartphone, you probably bought it with your money… bitch. One way or another, she has a phone and it most likely is GPS capable. With this app, you type in your crazy ex's number and Witch Hunter shoots info beams into outer space and they bounce off satellites and shoot by down to her phone, get her location and in fractions of a second, shoot info back to space and back down to your phone. You could always know where she is and avoid her. Going to the grocery store, check the Witch Hunter. The last thing anyone needs is a Jerry Springer style beat down in the cereal aisle. I'm sure there are some laws about privacy and crap that this would violate but I think this would be incredibly useful. As far as I'm concerned, a chick gives up her right to “privacy” after she let's her cheese slide of the mental cracker.