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Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Returning To Hollywood!

He told you he’d be back! Now that Arnie is all done playing Governator of Caleeforneeyuh it looks like we may be seeing him back in theaters soon. Read on for his latest statement and my awful ideas for his big comeback.

Initially after his run in politics ended, Schwarzenegger said that he would not return to films and instead focus on helping to fix the environment. Let’s all be thankful he changed his mind, Al Gore can work on that while The Terminator kicks some box office ass! Here is the proof of said comeback from his Twitter page:

“Exciting news. My friends at CAA (his agency) have been asking me for 7 years when they can take offers seriously. Gave them the green light today.”

While Arnold is old now, I wouldn’t say he’s too old for action movies just yet. Hell, Charles Bronson did Death Wish movies until he was well into his seventies (although his 80’s porn stache didn’t look a day over thirty). Now obviously he will be heavily courted for The Expendables 2 and the next Predator and Terminator installments, but what else should he do? Don’t worry Arnie, I’ve made those tough decisions for you.

#1. Commando 2: Bennett’s Revenge : How could you NOT want a sequel to this 1985 cinematic masterpiece? Here’s the plot: Bennett didn’t die when John Matrix threw that pipe through his stomach (nor did he “let off some steam”) and now he’s back for his revenge, chain mail and all. The rest will write itself..



Courtesy of Warner Bros.

#2. The Dark Knight Rises: Since Christopher Nolan is gonna ruin the new Batman movie with Catwoman, why not just totally shit the bed and bring back Mr. Freeze? At least Arnold will be able to use the awesome catch phrase “chill out” again. Don’t worry, it won’t  be more ridiculous than Bale’s Batman voice.


#3. Conan The Barbarian: Yes he was already in this movie but alas, Hollywood has decided to remake it. I believe it’s already in the can but eff that! Now that the A-man is available they should just re-shoot that bitch with him as Conan again! I’d pay 12 bucks to see him get drunk and sucker punch a camel again in IMAX 3D! Check out the animal beatdown montage below and tell me you wouldn’t. He could also promote the movie on Conan (the late night show) like in the good old days when he would appear “live via satellite”.

Courtesy of Rekall


#4. Total Recall: Yeah this is being remade too, with Colin Farrell in Arnold’s place. Really Hollywood, let’s stop remaking EVERY awesome movie from my childhood.


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Courtesy of Orion Pictures (and Tree)

#5. Superman: Man of Steel: They already cast British dude Henry Cavill as the title character for this one. Now that Schwarzenegger is back in the acting game, let’s start a petition for him to get this role. No matter who plays the man with the “S” on his chest… this movie will blow. At least it will be funny with the Governator as Superman and Clark Kent. Glasses and a hair-do will be enough to hide his identity even with his accent, those people at the Daily Planet are dumbasses.

There you go Mr. Schwarzenegger, I am available to represent you and I await your call.

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