Since everyone seems to get a kick out of top five lists and I'm the only poor bastard that is single on the Banana staff, I'm stuck with this assignment.  Some may find this enlightening, some funny and some will realize why I'm single.  Enjoy!

So here is my normal night life line up!

Sharky’s Sports Bar

It’s no secret that I’ve spent a lot of time at Sharky’s Sports Bar while single.  I do for two reasons.  First, the girls that work there are awesome.  Although most of them have shot me down at least once or refuse to leave their significant others for me they still take care of me.  Second reason, 34 oz. Draft beers for $2.95!  There is no dance floor, so no girls are subjected to my full body seizures called dancing.  So with that said, come 2am and $8.85 plus tip later, even the hottest girls can’t help but think “he would make an excellent bad decision/last resort!”  And you know what, I’m okay with that!

The Men's Club

The Men's Club is a great place to meet singles!  The girls there truly care about me.  It’s awesome to feel loved and appreciated.  Now granted I don’t know their real names, they still have no problems taking their tops off for me!  That’s a real bond and honestly saves a hell of a lot of time and talking.  It’s a “fake names with benefits” kind of situation I would say.  There are plenty of things to converse about too…So much in common.  We all have kids to talk about…we are all going back to school…really, we just want to be providers.

The Machine Shop

The best place for me to meet singles.  All the famous bands, radio personalities and employees are unattainable or taken.  So who’s left?  This guy!  That’s where my favorite lines like “Yes, I do know Tony LaBrie” and “Of course I can get you a Banana t-shirt” come into play.  Hanging backstage, being on stage to bring up bands and ordering interns around make me look important and legit!

Frozen Food Section

Now ladies…what you put in your cart can tell a great deal about you.  For example, if you are reaching for steamer bowls, weight watchers ice cream and veggies…it’s very possible that you have a self image issue that I’m not prepared to deal with.  On the other hand, if you’re filling that wobbly cart with frozen pizza, Haagen-Daz and food with actual flavor, then you seem like you’d appreciate the 2 for $2.22 Speedway pizza or fourth meal that I’m prepared to buy you after a lovely evening on the town.  P.S. – Stay out of the produce section…we are only thinking of melons in there.

Planned Parenthood

Jackpot!  This is a gold mine to meet singles.  Now most people think that if you meet a woman there that means that they are dirty or pregnant.  This however is not true!  The ones that leave crying are the infected or pregnant ones.  If they leave smiling…game on.  This method is the visual equivalent to Maggie’s golden rule of women…”If it smells like fish, eat all you wish…if it smells like cologne, leave it alone.”  And I like to think that when a girl sees me there she thinks “he’s responsible and he cares!”  Regardless of whether that is actually true or not…that’s the impression I want to give off!

Now if we end up back at the barren wasteland of an apartment lacking décor and matching furniture, I have three simple rules I must insist on.

  1. Please leave in the morning. I’m not going to be a dick and kick you out…get some rest after we do work.  But I do work early and I’m not coming back at lunch to lock up.  A slap on the ass and a “good hustle, better luck next time” ought to suffice to complete the transaction.
  2. Don’t expect a call tomorrow. I already know you’re not going to tell your friends or admit to anything, so I’m going to save the minutes.  Hit me up on Facebook if you need me.
  3. MOST IMPORTANT:  Don’t eat my pizza rolls. This is the golden rule.  Eat anything else you find.  There is normally an abundance of Ramen noodles, 7 times out of 10 the milk has a few good days left in life and tuna will always work in a pinch.  Just back off the Totinos!