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Friday the 13th Part 13 Coming in 2015… as a Reboot… and a Found Footage Movie?

Jason Voorhees
Paramount Pictures

Friday the 13th part 13 seemed like a no-brainer for 2013, but issues with the distribution rights have kept a sequel to the 2009 reboot on the back burner for some time now. Now that a deal has given sole rights to the franchise to Paramount, we’re all about to get the movie that no fan ever asked for.

Okay, so here’s the news part of the story. Paramount made a deal with Warner Bros. that gave them the rights to the ‘Friday the 13th’ franchise. Multiple studios having dibs on the the property have made it very difficult to make a movie about Jason Voorhees for over a decade. With all of that out of the way, Jason will hit theaters once again in a year that will also bring back Avengers, Jedi, Dinosaurs (JP4), Terminators, James Bond and Batman (who will be fighting Superman).  Get ready to buy a lot of movie tickets in 2015 is all we’re saying.

Jason’s return isn’t all good news though… check this s— out:

The studio will be hitting the reset button on the franchise again, which totally sucks balls. Was Platinum Dunes’ 2009 reboot the best movie in the series? No. It probably ranked somewhere near the middle, actually. But it was good enough. They could have easily moved forward with a sequel that would satisfy fans. There was talk of the movie being set in winter (which all fans seemed pumped for and may still happen), but Michael Bay’s company focused their energy on rebooting (and probably ruining) ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ instead. We’re down for the snowy backdrop, but we’re not on board for another reboot. Either make a sequel to the 2009 film (which made a $72 million profit, by the way) or do some films that either take place between parts 6-9 or after Freddy Vs. Jason.

CLICK HERE TO READ ABOUT FRIDAY 4 STAR COREY FELDMAN'S SCRIPT FOR THE A SEQUEL

The re-reboot isn’t even the worst part of the news — it’s also rumored to be a found footage movie! Found footage movies have ruined the horror industry. Aside from a few decent flicks, this trend in horror film making has made it almost impossible to get a film made in the genre with anything but a shoestring budget. Because several films have made millions with miniscule budgets, the fad is very attractive to studios.They all aspire to be ‘Paranormal Activity’ or ‘The Blair Witch Project,’ both of which were well-received and made an assload of money, but more often they end up like ‘The Devil Inside.’ That movie, made for $1 million, grossed  $101 Million thanks to clever marketing. Problem was everyone that watched it f—ing hated it. If you remember, they did a little bit of found footage action in ‘Halloween: Resurrection.’ That was also terrible.

Hey, Paramount. Before you make this movie, take a look at the numbers. Mr. Voorhees has never lost money at the box office, although he did come close with the terrible ‘Jason X.’ Chalk that near-loss up to the fact that the space-based ‘Jason X’ messed with the winning formula too much, which this new sequel is about to do. Here’s how to make money with Jason:

  • Have him wear the hockey mask
  • Have him killing teenagers who go camping to fornicate and get wasted in creative ways
  • When he’s not killing people, have plenty of bewbs flopping around
  • No fake digital blood, lots of corn syrup
  • Hard R Rating
  • Release it on Friday the 13th

That’s it. It really is that easy. There is no need to reinvent the wheel here, just follow my guide and collect your millions. If you really need to spice it up, set the movie during a snowy winter at Camp Crystal Lake and shoot it in 3D (Part 3 was badass!). A lot of movies have been made in 3D of late, but they forget that the format is best used in horror.

CLICK HERE TO RELIVE THE TERRIBLE ENDING OF FRIDAY THE 13TH FOR NINTENDO

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