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How to Celebrate the Fourth of July Like a Badass

stephen.moore, Flickr Creative Commons

Four score and a whole mess of years ago, Father Freedom knocked up Mother Liberty and BAM! On July 4, 1776 America was born. Every year, when the Fourth of July rolls around we take a day to celebrate birth of our country, America. Without a doubt, America is the greatest country ever, hence, The 4th of July is the greatest holiday ever.

This is America we’re talking about, this isn’t your wife or kids, you can’t just phone it in when it comes to a party. I love the Fourth so much I plan to ride around on a buffalo, shooting fireworks out of my ass and fist-fighting soviets, just as our forefathers wanted. You don’t need to go the extreme like I do, but if you call yourself an American you need to celebrate like a champion, like an American. There is nothing more American than gluttony, so fire up the grill. Follow these simple guidelines, and you’ll have a kick-ass cookout more patriotic than Hulk Hogan wearing Apollo Creed’s boxers.

Oli Scarff, Getty Images
Oli Scarff, Getty Images



Thankfully, in Flint, not too many people are burdened with employment. Unless you’re a professional fireworks artist or a run a liquor store (nothing more American than booze) you shouldn’t be working on The 4th of July. Let’s say you’re some goober stuck in an office, are you really going to get anything done? NO. You’re mind is dwelling on cold beer and big breasted women, waving flags and shaking the freedom cans. You aren’t doing any quality paper pushing or bean counting. Be a patriot. In the name of America, liberate yourself from your work prison. Coil up a steamer on your boss’s desk and yell “Smell my freedom log, Commie!” Chances are you’ll get the rest of the day off, probably the rest of your life off. FIRED!?! Screw it. You’re an American in the land of opportunity. It’s time to party.

robnguyen01, Flickr Creative Commons
robnguyen01, Flickr Creative Commons



If you’re trying to get your America on, I highly recommend a tallboy for breakfast. Beer is the official beverage of America. It’s cool, smooth and gets you right to that “ready to party” buzz. Whether you’re hosting, or attending a cookout it is important to have ample beer for yourself and others. I would say, pick a number you plan to drink and bring four times that much. DOMESTIC BEER!!!!! Drinking an imported beer on the Fourth is like punching Uncle Sam right in the meat wagon. There is a reason we left England in the first place, The Queen can’t crush a beer can on her forehead. Also we need to get a cooler, fill it with beer and ice and take that everywhere you go, and I mean everywhere. If you’re in the middle of pinching a loaf and you can’t reach a cold brew, the terrorists win.

Dhaun, Flickr Creative Commons
Dhaun, Flickr Creative Commons



I know you’ve been dying to make that 8-layer bean, rice and spinach dip that you found a recipe for in Readers Digest, but not today. This is America’s day and in true American spirit, keep it simple stupid. Like a Richard Simmons casting call, meat, meat and more meat. I’m talking about steaks, hot dogs and burgers…period, end of story. Take your tofu, soy, veggie burger hippie food and save it for Arbor Day. The same goes for side dishes. When in doubt go potato. Potatoes are always good and always American. Are you thinking potato salad, baked potatoes and/or potato chips? Check, check and check. I’m pretty sure Thomas Jefferson was eating a bag of Better Made BBQ chips when he punched out Adolf Hitler…fact. Just remember that you’re feeding the masses (but not foreigners) so no need to reinvent the wheel when it comes to food. Make sure you have a lot to eat and keep it simple, stupid

Bob Levey, Getty Images
Bob Levey, Getty Images



How do I show my love for America? Blow stuff up. New legislation in Michigan has made it legal to buy all kinds of fireworks. Which had led to a turf war with the area rug industry for vacant lot space…but that’s beside the point. You now can legally buy fireworks and show your love for America the way you’re supposed to, with loud, bright explosions. Explosions made America possible. When we settled here and England was trying to harsh our mellow, we fought against tyranny with explosions. When we headed west and those weak-ass Rocky Mountains blocked our progress, explosions cleared a path. George Washington was permanently banned from Canada for shooting a moose with a roman candle…fact. America is blessed with great beauty and great power, so do it and right and blow something up in the name of freedom.

Stephen Chernin, Getty Images
Stephen Chernin, Getty Images



Sausage is German and Germany isn’t America, so it’s blasphemy to throw a sausage fest on the Fourth of July. Hot chicks are mandatory for any party and the Fourth is no exception. If you spit mad game like I do, this isn’t a problem because the ladies seem to find me. However, most likely you aren’t as awesome as I and you struggle with the fairer sex. Throwing a bitchin’ party is the first step the wrangling in some American trim…or as I call it, AmeriTrim. Girls can smell a good time like raccoons smell open garbage cans and they will tear that up. Beers, burgers, babes it just makes sense. It’s a holiday, so strippers and prostitutes SHOULD have the day off, they should be spending it with you. Speaking of strippers and prostitutes, that brings up the most American point ever. If you have lady problems, like any American problem, throw money at it…problem solved.


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