How to Meet a Band and Not Look Like an A-Hole

All the bands you love want to know that you love them, but not from all up in their faces and whatnot. Bands have uncomfortable quarters and rare opportunities to shower and launder their clothing while out on the road. They've smelled their bassist's rank breath for a month now; they don't need yours. Step back, son!!

Lots of people have the same rock gods as you do, so chill out and wait your turn. And don't bother showing up 2 hours before doors open -- you're not getting in. Unless a predetermined press event or meet and greet is scheduled, you will just stand there, looking weird. Plus, most national touring bands don't really want you to witness their awkward and quirky soundcheck routines. When and if you get your chance to talk to a band member, keep it brief and simple, and be polite and understanding if they have to excuse themselves. They're not jerks -- they're busy.

Uh, ladies, do not request the "company" of a band member because you're lonely due to the absence of your boyfriend who is overseas fighting a war, and then piss your pants next to the merch area. Don't.

And, yes. This happened.

Bands work hard on the road and often simply don't have the time to allow for listening to your demo CD. Even if a band member wants to care and be polite, often the hectic scheduling centered around a tour prevents them from ever "checking it out," or "giving it a listen." Bands also don't want to be pimped for their status. It ain't nice, bro! If it is absolutely necessary to get one of your CDs in someone's hands, ask (politely) who would be the best person to give it to, which often turns out to be the road or tour manager. I think in most cases, you're much better off saving yourself the time and the letter-sized paper you've folded into an awkward envelope.

Guys, Michael Jackson died. Like kind of a while ago. I hate to say it, but you're probably not going to meet anyone worth swooning over. Please don't swoon. Who swoons anymore anyway! Don't gush. Just chill.

Hey, uh, don't touch me. Or any band member for that matter. If you want to get your photo taken with a band, let them direct the photo. They know what they're doing and are quite accustomed to being in front of a lens. Not only will you make them uncomfortable if you get all grab-happy, but that picture, that is somehow your pride and joy, will forever grace your Facebook wall depicting just sheer terror and discomfort all over your hero's face. Because you're gross.

I feel as though I shouldn't have to say this, but, unfortunately, even I am guilty. If you're expecting the opportunity to chat with a band member, watch your alcohol intake. You'll be sweaty and sour-smelling and stupid and end up making the whole situation unflattering and uncomfortable. Have a good time and enjoy yourself, just try to make sure that your intoxication level doesn't reach Defcon 5.

And Mr. Posehn, I am truly, deeply sorry. Slayer!

Try not to bad-talk other bands in front of your rock-and-roll supergods. Chances are, they have crossed paths with such and such band you hate, and have nothing but love and respect for them. They'll think you're a jerk, and, most likely, excuse themselves abruptly.

You've somehow managed to survive the gauntlet and have come out on the other side unscathed! Congratulations! Here it is, it's all yours! Guess what, you get like 3 minutes, maybe 5. Make it count! If you start getting windy, you'll notice a dull stare take over and cloud the vision of your hero. Aaaaand, you're done. Try to wrap up before you get to this point, for the sake of your own self-esteem.