My article that made fun of Donald Trump for claiming victory in the War on Christmas from yesterday drew a lot more pointed criticism that I expected. I thought it was the general consensus that the War on Christmas was just a joke. Thanks to the reactions to my misguided article yesterday, I now know the truth:

The War on Christmas is Real.

That harsh realization wasn't even the worst part of the ordeal. You see, by writing that article yesterday, I was unknowingly entering the War on Christmas and enlisting on the wrong side. Seeing the error of my ways, today begins my battle to get back on the right side of history.

There are two sides to every conflict. In this case, it's people who say "Merry Christmas" against those who say "Happy Holidays" and "Season's Greetings." I initially thought I was cool with people saying whatever they want, but I was wrong. I learned from the comments that you either say "Merry Christmas" or you're against Christmas. My family does celebrate Christmas, so I really only had one choice.

This war isn't like a normal war, and it's fought in a very specific way. Basically, whenever somebody says "Happy Holidays," "Seasons Greetings," or any other kind of greeting or farewell that's not "Merry Christmas" between Thanksgiving and December 26th -- you spring into action and verbally assault them! You know, just like Jesus would've wanted.

To make it easier for my fellow rookies in the conflict, I've listed some quick counter-attacks you can fire off below. Feel free to combine a few of them at random to make a sick combo and get bonus style points.

  1. No. It's Merry Christmas!
  2. Don't push your liberal agenda on me.
  3. You're not taking the CHRIST out of my Christmas!
  4. Libtard.
  5. Snowflake.
  6. I don't care if you're Jewish and celebrate Hanukkah, I demand that you wish me a Merry Christmas right now because I can't enjoy my holiday if you don't validate my traditions in the exact way that I see fit.

Or you could always deliver a simple "f--k you" like the guy who direct messaged us in response to my story yesterday. Other more advanced combatants will say things like "why don't you STFU and stick to (insert whatever your profession is here)" or "he is your president." Regardless of which response you choose, you have to get them to say "Merry Christmas" or we lose. That's how this battle works.

All of these are acceptable strategies for winning Christmas against whoever dare say something that doesn't reflect your exact preferred Christmas greeting verbatim. Afterall, isn't demanding satisfaction and verbal substantiation of your personal religious beliefs from others what Christmas is all about?

Now go out there and win the war for the soul of this country.

Happy Holidays!