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As the Phalluses Burn: Lamb of God Vocalist Randy Blythe Details Painful Coffee Incident

Lamb of God's Randy Blythe
Cory Schwartz, Getty Images

Lamb of God vocalist Randy Blythe is a phenomenal storyteller. Anyone who follows the musician on Instagram knows that when Blythe decides to pen a tale, it’s always worth reading. That being said, one of Randy’s recent stories involves an unfortunate incident involving hot coffee, his privates and a lot of pain.

In an Instagram post that could have been titled ‘As the Phalluses Burn,’ Randy Blythe details the most terrifying consequence of needing your caffeine boost. Having made a crucial mistake in keeping his hot coffee between his legs while driving, Blythe suffered a brutal ordeal of pain on his privates.

Randy posted the full story on his Instagram page:

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A GRAPHIC PERSONAL NATURE & CONTAINS A TALE OF ABJECT MISERY. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I’M POSTING THIS. I MUST BE HIGH FROM PAIN STILL. There are moments of extreme physical pain in some of our lives that we will never, ever, forget. Tonight I had one of those moments (this picture I took of my friends Jimmy & Mike of EYEHATEGOD has NOTHING to do with this story, but I needed a photo & they do have a record called “Take As Needed For Pain”). The sun was setting & it was beautiful evening as I road along the coast to the grocery store, still in my surf trunks & sipping on a fresh mug of boiling hot black coffee. I was listening to some mellow piano music & making a right turn when I made the tragic mistake placing the mug between my barely covered legs. As I turned my truck, happily humming along to the mellow piano music on my stereo, suddenly there was a searing white hot explosion of agony in my crotch. The lid of my mug had come loose, and liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well…it had covered my penis. I briefly lost control of my truck, swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic, barely missing another truck, before quickly pulling into a nearby parking lot to try & make some sense of this atrocity I had committed against myself. I felt like I was going to throw up for a good minute or two, then I regained control & started returning home to do what I knew what I had to do. I had to put him on ice. I do not normally talk to my penis, he does not have a nickname or anything like that, but if there ever was a time for encouraging words to my lifelong companion, it was now. The words I said out loud to him as I painfully drove us slowly home went along these lines: OH GOD, DUDE. OH MY GOD, THAT HURT LIKE HOLY F—. HANG IN THERE DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE. WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT. DON’T GIVE UP HOPE. OH MY GOD, DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE, BRO. I must have looked like a crazy man. When I hit home, he went in a glass of ice water for a bit. He will recover, I have faith. Go ahead & laugh- everyone else I’ve told did, including my wife. This day is now a wash. Goodnight.

Feel better, Randy! And to everyone reading his story while drinking coffee, be safe!

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