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Life Lessons and Random Things Tree Learned During ‘Snowlocaust 2014′

The recent “Polar Vortex” has taught me some valuable life lessons and I feel like it’s my duty as a human being to share those experiences with you. You know, so we can “grow as people together” or some hippie BS like that.


Pay The First People That Offer to Shovel Your Driveway

 
 

The day after we all rode the "Polar-Coaster," some dudes came to my door with shovels, presumably to shovel my driveway for money. I didn't feel like dealing with anyone, so I just ignored them. Unfortunately, that was our last chance. Boy, did I regret that 24 hours later when I was using our tiny shovel to do the job and realized that...

 
Tree Riddle, Banana 101.5
Tree Riddle, Banana 101.5

I'm Out of Shape

 
 

After shoveling the snow off about a quarter of our driveway, I think I had a stroke. Seriously, it was negative degrees outside and I was just laying there.

 
photo5

Beer

 
 

You never really can have too much on hand.

 
Tree Riddle, Banana 101.5
Tree Riddle, Banana 101.5

Pizza Places Don't Deliver in Severe Weather

 
 

Literally zero pizza joints were delivering Monday and Tuesday. Here's a free tip for every pizza place: If you don't deliver -- don't bother opening. That's like when the gas station is out of gas, but still open. I don't go there for over-priced candy and awkward small talk. I go there for gas. When I order pizza, It's because I want it delivered. If I wanted to go get my own pizza, I'd be headed for something a little tastier than a Hot-and-Ready.

 
Creatas
Creatas

I Need a Truck

 
 

After breaking the bumper off of my car (again) from hitting snow in my driveway -- and this was before the "Snowpocalypse" was in full swing -- I realized that I need a truck. Men drive trucks, not Dodge Stratuses.

 
Tree Riddle, Banana 101.5
Tree Riddle, Banana 101.5

The Jerry Springer Show is Still On

 
 

Yeah. Like, new episodes... on TV. Who knew?

 

Grocery Shopping is Key

 
 

We've always been more of the "buy groceries the day of" type of family. However, that system doesn't work in the midst of "CherSnowbyl." When it comes down to which flavor of Ramen you're having for dinner, you realize the importance of having options.

 
Tree Riddle, Banana 101.5
Tree Riddle, Banana 101.5

'Arrow' is Awesome

 
 

Starting late the week prior to the "Snowmageddon," I watched a few episodes of 'Arrow' on Netflix. Since I was basically stuck at home since Friday through Wednesday, I ended up watching the entire first season (23 episodes, each about 43 minutes long) and all of the 9 episodes of the current season (total viewing time - about 23 hours). Yeah, it's boring being locked in your house. That show is pretty f---ing rad though. If you're a fan of the DC Universe, you should check it out. There are some characters on the show you've probably wanted to see on screen for a while... Deathstroke anyone?

 
The CW
The CW

Snow Cream Sucks

 
 

You've all probably seen the recipe on how to make "delicious ice cream" out of snow, sugar, vanilla and milk. Don't do it! It's gross. At first I tasted it and thought, "ehh, it's okay." But that after-taste kicked in and made me regret that I even indulged a goofy idea like dirty snow cream. Just wait until you can go buy real ice cream and thank me later. Besides, who wants ice cream when it's -34 degrees out?

 

School is Awesome

 
 

I love my kids. LOVE them. But I was glad they took their asses back to school. Sometimes, you just need a few hours of peace. Especially if you're working from home like I had to Monday and Tuesday.

 
iStock
iStock

I'm Buying a Snowblower

 
 

I don't care that I'll probably be using it twice a year. If I never have to shovel snow again -- it's worth it.

 
William Thomas Calin, Getty Images
William Thomas Calin, Getty Images

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