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Michigan Lawmaker Is Spanking the Monkey Laws

Chris McGrath, Getty Images

One Michigan lawmaker isn’t having any of your monkey business.

State Representative Andrew Kandrevas is own a seek and destroy mission to prevent Michigan residents from owning primates, a goal he has been fiendishly stroking ever since a young girl in his district was bitten by one of those mischievous critters several years ago.

“This started with me personally having this very strange issue in my hometown area,” said Kandrevas. “And then as I got up to Lansing, you start realizing that other people have these issues as well.”

And while Kandrevas admits that there is nowhere near a fierce monkey epidemic sweeping across Michigan, he is adamant that residents should not be permitted to play with these wild beasts.

“This lets the average homeowner know that a monkey is not a private pet, no matter what your kids tell you,” said Kandrevas. “We’re trying to make it flexible and not crackdown on people as if they are poachers or smugglers, but put them on notice that these are not viable pets.”

The proposed bill would make it a misdemeanor offensive, with fines up to $1,000, to own of breed monkeys without permission from the federal government. However, there is nothing in the bill preventing you from spanking your monkey from time to time.

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