New Michigan Laws Officially Hit the Books Starting Thursday

There are a plethora of new Michigan laws scheduled to officially hit the books over the course of the next several days, most of which will exist as a mere fingerbang in the crawl of the average lawbiding citizen, while others will likely serve to savagely grudge hump the hooligans with their heads buried in the sand.

So, to ensure society a fair shake in regards to some of the news Michigan laws being unleashed tonight while you sleep, we thought we provide you with a rundown of those laws and what they mean to civil society.

Laws scheduled to go into effect Thursday:

Right-to-work: Probably one of the most controversial laws signed under Governor Snyder, this law serves to prohibit agreements between labor unions and employers that dictate membership fees or “union dues” as a stipulation for being hired.

Cell phones and teens: Teenagers operating on their probationary licenses will not be permitted to use cell phones while driving a motor vehicle.

Cyber schooling: This law aims to provide students with sufficient opportunity to take part in “cyber” or online charter schools, making it available for them to learn “any time, any place, any way and any pace.” The new law will serve to gradually remove the enrollment cap currently being administered by Michigan’s two virtual schools.

Credit score profiling: Insurers will no longer be permitted to utilize individuals credit information as a reason to deny, cancel or not renew their insurance policies. Instead, credit information will be used to determine payment options.

Flags in school: Every public school in Michigan must have an American flag and there must be an opportunity each day to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

Concussions: All youth sports coaches and volunteers will be mandated to take part in a concussion awareness program. In addition, coaches that even suspect a player of having a concussion must now remove them from the game.

Prescription Drugs: Medical facilities will now be allowed to accept voluntary collections of unused medication to be distributed to patients who cannot afford it otherwise.

Suspect interrogations: All police interrogations must now provide audio and video statements for citizens arrested for major offenses.

Laws scheduled to go into effect March 31:

Organized retail crime: Some aspects of retail fraud, including theft with intent to resell, will be charged as a felony with a potential prison sentence of up to five years.

Abortion: New regulations will go into effect in order for some facilities to perform abortions, while more screening requirements will be made to eliminate the possibility of forced abortions.

Laws to go into effect April 1:

Medical Marijuana: Tighter regulations will come into play on what is considered a “bona-fide” physician-patient relationship when it comes to the distribution of medical marijuana. There will also be stiffer penalties for those who dispense marijuana to people without a prescription.

Driver responsibility fees: The Secretary of State will now be allowed to reinstate a person’s license up to three times after it has been suspended due to non-payment of fees.

Free beer and strippers for the working class: Any person that works 40+ hours a week will be provided with government vouchers to receive a complimentary case of beer and a free couch dance from a smokin' hot exotic dancer at the end of each month. This, of course, is a vicious, early April Fools prank that we decided to pull because, well, these laws take effect on April Fools' Day. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?