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‘Ouija’ Proves Michael Bay Will Make Everything Cool From Your Childhood Lame

Ouija - A New Level of Stupidity

Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes production company returns to piss all over things that you loved back in the day with their latest film ‘Ouija.’

The 80s and 90s were an awesome time to grow up. There were so many uber fanboy-friendly concepts that were creative, original and risky that came to fruition in television, toys and cinema — it was sort of like a low-class renaissance period. Those types of projects are increasingly rare in today’s copy and paste, business-first culture and Director/Producer Michael Bay is at the forefront of that derivativity. He has proven time and time again that his sole purpose in life is to drag your most sacred childhood memories kicking and screaming through his swamp of mediocrity and he’s at it again.

First, let’s do the checklist of all the formerly badass properties that Bay and his minions have managed to put his signature brand of stank on:

  • The Texas Chainsaw Massacre — An Unnecessary Reboot and a Carbon Copy of Said Reboot Billed as a Prequel
  • The Hitcher — Commercialized Garbage Remake of an Edgy Thriller
  • The Amityville Horror — A Remake of a Beloved Horror Movie Starring Van Wilder
  • Friday the 13th — A Decent, Yet Mostly Unnecessary, Reset of the Beloved Slasher Franchise
  • A Nightmare On Elm Street — A Decent, Yet Completely Unnecessary Reboot of the Iconic Freddy Krueger
  • Transformers — 4 (Soon to be 5) Movies Filled with Robots Embodied by One-Dimensional Racial Stereotypes and Fight Scenes That Look More Like a Hurricane at a Junkyard
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — They have lips and noses, dude

And now we can add ‘Ouija’ to his list of victims.

Medium to super-low budget supernatural “scare-fests” have become the new normal for horror in Hollywood. Hell, those are the only flicks that greenlit anymore because of the low-risk, high-reward potential.

‘Ouija’ looks to be as momentarily entertaining, yet largely forgettable as the rest in the already too-crowded genre and is based on one of the oldest cliches in horror film culture — the Ouija board. A film based on a board game? That turned out so well for ‘Battleship.’ The problem is that they already made this movie in the 80s. It was called ‘Witchboard’ and it sucked ass. At least this one will have some legit ‘splosions!


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