Six Things That Happen To Almost Everyone That Are Still Really Embarrassing
Most of all of us have done these things, but they still add that splash of humiliation that we need in our lives.
- Accidently spitting saliva or food while speaking. This happened to me the other day, and was the inspiration for this article, actually. I was talking to someone who just gave me a delicious drink and it happened. It was a gleak. (That’s what we called it back in the day, and I looked it up on urban dictionary to find that it’s still there). I felt an instant rush of humiliation and the need to GTFO of there immediately! I don’t know why it’s so embarrassing. I’d be willing to bet that every single person has had this happen to them at least once. I spend a lot of time in loud environments where people feel the need to close talk or speak very loudly and have been drenched in other people’s saliva countless times. I worked at a video store about 13 years ago and still remember the dude who let an enormous glob of chewing tobacco slobber fall out of his mouth, onto the counter, and tried to quickly wipe it up with his hand. I had already seen it happen, and dry heaved in his face. It was a natural reaction; it was not done on purpose to make him feel bad. I once had a dude that was flirting me with spit a piece of his half chewed taco onto my glasses. We both tried to play it off. We both turned beet red. It happens. But is still embarrassing.
- Maaaaan, wedgies seem to always happen in situations where digging IN YOUR BUTT to retrieve your undies is not really appropriate. One of my other gigs, besides the Banana, is as a bartender and server. I’ve been waiting on people for years, and I absolutely love taking care of folks and making sure they have what they want or need. They do not need booty fingers in their order, that’s for sure. I can’t just pick my wedgie and keep pouring drinks and touching your lemons! I will go to the bathroom just to get my life together so I can wash my hands and get back to work. Realistically, there are at least two layers (clothing and underwear) between the hands and the butt-crack when readjusting, so it’s no different than pulling your pants up…but, yes, it's TOTALLY different. I’ve gone for long periods of time in pure discomfort to avoid the embarrassment of getting caught wedgie diving. I remember my dad calling me out as a kid, by asking if I was going to the movies since I was picking my “seat”. Dad jokes. Over share alert: If you’ve never been in such a hurry that you had on two pairs of underwear by mistake, a double wedgie is one of the worst things one could ever experience. It happened to me yesterday. While dancing.
- Falls are almost always funny. Unless it’s an old person, or someone gets injured, falls are amazing. Growing up, I had this one friend who fell everywhere. She fell down the bleachers while we were watching the high school football team practice. The whole team turned and watched the hot mess unfold as I laughed in her face. She fell off of the bus, and her saxophone case opened and pieces flew everywhere. I laughed. It’s all fun and games until the tables turn. Possibly the most embarrassing fall I’ve ever taken was in 4th grade. We had these stupid little “music class concerts” which were basically the whole elementary singing cheesy songs for our parents. I went to a tiny school in the middle of nowhere, and I’m sure we were horrible. Anyway. It was rehearsal day, and we sat in grade order on the bleachers, oldest at the top. Only the middle section of the bleachers was pulled out because we didn’t have that many students. I was walking and talking (no surprise there) and didn’t realize the bleachers ended. I took one too many steps, and walked right off of the edge! I fell hard as HELL onto the gym floor, after hitting my leg on the edge of the bleacher on the way down. I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t break anything or end up with a concussion. While it hurt my body, my pride was hurting more than anything! I’m still embarrassed by this fall to this day, and I’m sure no-one remembers but me. Why is falling so embarrassing if it happens to everyone? I’m glad I’m a pretty graceful person. And with that being said, I’m guessing there is an embarrassing fall in my near future.
- Discovering food on your face or in your teeth (or a booger in your nose) after talking to someone. This is similar to the spitting thing, except for the fact that you don’t know to be embarrassed until after you’ve spent all of this time being confident. Why is it weird? We all eat. Sometimes we don’t do the best job of wiping our face or haven’t had time to brush or floss afterward before a conversation begins. I love strangers and on a trip, I became friends with a random dude on the plane. I realized he had something on his face, but I didn’t tell him because it was too awkward to tell a stranger that he had yellow crusty food remnants on his face. We talked and laughed for like an hour, and went our separate ways after becoming Facebook friends. I went to the bathroom and discovered I had a huge piece of pepper in my teeth after I had been grinning like I was in the video for Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun”. Both of our flights were delayed, so we met back up to hang out for a while before we had to leave. The food was gone from his face, and the pepper gone from my teeth. Neither of us spoke a word of it. I have a feeling both of us were embarrassed. We still chat occasionally.
- Farts! Yep. Good old farts. I’m actually going to use a good story from an old friend (I’d be honest with you if it was me, but luckily this time, it wasn’t). She had just started dating this guy and had been holding in the gas for months. They were on the couch at his place watching a movie and she just couldn’t hold it anymore and slipped out a silent. It was horrendous. He paused the movie and said, “I should have taken out the trash before you came over, I’m sorry, it smells so bad that I’ve gotta do it now”. He took out the trash while she sat there dying inside (perhaps literally, according to the stench). He will never know that it was her because when he returned the smell was gone. Phwew. That one was fairly easy to get out of, but it’s the loud ones that can’t be forgotten. The sneeze-fart or cough-fart? Hilarious. The quiet room, long squeaker fart. Super hilarious. Even if it doesn’t smell, the sound of a fart is enough to make a room full of distinguished adults laugh like 14-year old kids. Why? Burps aren’t really that embarrassing, but farts are. Gas is a normal part of life! Doesn’t matter, it’s hilariously embarrassing. If you fall and fart at the same time, I will laugh at you until the day I take my last breath. Hopefully, my last breath is fart free.
- Butt dialing. I’ll never forget getting caught trying to sing my best while disregarding the fact that I’m a garbage singer. I lived in Florida for one year and I was working at a restaurant. I developed a big crush on one of the cooks, and we began flirting and exchanged numbers. I accidentally butt dialed him while I was driving in my Jeep, alone and JAMMING at the top of my lungs to a song that was clearly out of my (very limited) vocal range. He called back a few minutes later saying, “You were really feeling that song, huh?” and explained that he had heard every single bit of my “rendition” (a more accurate description would be my disgusting attempts at singing which sounded more like seals barking). I was so embarrassed to see him the next day! He quit working there shortly after that, but I'd like to think it was unrelated. My singing can't be bad enough to make people quit their jobs...or can it?
I’m sure there are more, but that’s all I could think of. Do you know of any? If so, please share them with me, as I love reliving my own personal embarrassing moments. It might seem weird, but reliving my humiliations makes me feel like “Well, as long as I don’t do THAT today, I should be alright.”.