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Star Wars Crime Wave

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Sergio Dionisio, Getty Images

Long ago in a galaxy far far away (actually it was last week in this galaxy)…two Star Wars related crimes made the national news.

Last week a Saginaw man named Lando Calrissian Young (yes, that’s his real name) was apprehended by police in connection to a shooting after five years on the run. The 24 year old is being arraigned on two counts of assault with intent to murder, and a few other charges (no smuggling though). Being held with a 1 million dollar bond, it looks like Lando won’t be back in Cloud City for some time. Maybe his parents should have named him after Billy Dee Williams’ other most famous association (Colt 45).

In Pennsylvania one man got so high on prescription drugs and booze, that he nearly beat his roommate to death. When police arrived he told them he was Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi and was on a mission to “kill all evil”. The 36- year old (who was in fact not Obi-Wan…or the late Alec Guinness…or even Ewan McGregor) plead guilty to aggravated assault and will be sentenced to anywhere between 8 and 20 hard years in federal “pound me in the ass” prison.

I’m guessing that the influx of Star Wars related crimes is a direct result of Spike TV always playing the (crappy movie)”The Phantom Menace” but I can’t say for sure. Just the fact that they gave the coolest villain ever created in the series (Darth Maul) about 20 minutes of screen time before killing him off, kind of makes me want to administer a severe beating. Don’t get me started on Jar-Jar. This week don’t be surprised if you see a story about a homeless dude claiming to be “Luke Skywalker” being arrested for vagrancy…oh wait, that’s really Mark Hamill.

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