Somehow, a hilariously serious commercial for a line of pens (yes, the kind you write with) designed by John Rambo himself has hidden from the public eye for over five years.

And here I thought Sylvester Stallone only made movies, but it turns out he's a real renaissance man. He also designed a line of pens and watches for an Italian company named Montegrappa.

Now, when you think of pens, you may just think of a simple, unassuming writing utensil... not Sly Stallone. His line of Chaos pens are the most savage and extreme ink delivery devices in the game. They kind of look like The Ajanti Dagger that Eddie Murphy had to get in 'The Golden Child,' but there's nothing funny about these bad boys...

These pens are tough, bro.

We're talking go to war with the entire state police force because they wouldn't let you eat at the diner tough. Like breaking into a POW camp, killing an entire army with your bare hands and freeing all the prisoners tough. Like blowing up a Russian war helicopter with an exploding arrow while riding horseback through the desert tough. Like shooting a dude into a billion pieces with a giant truck-mounted anti-aircraft machine gun tough. Yeah, that's just a list of stuff Stallone did in each Rambo movie, but these pens are Rambo and they will give you a war you won't believe.

These pens look like they're made of hot lava, which the over-the-top commercial basically confirms. Honestly, if you told me I was watching a trailer for the first God of War on PS2 -- I'd believe you. It's so hardcore that if these pens dispense anything other than the liquid equivalent of Five Finger Death Punch's music then you can take me straight to the loony bin because I don't even know who I am anymore. I heard that if you even try to put regular ink in one of the Chaos pens that it will challenge you to an arm wrestling match for the custody of your kid. I mean, it sounds unlikely, but I wouldn't take any chances.

Bottom line is that you're a disease and these pens are the cure. If you think you're man enough to wield one you can still buy them on eBay for anywhere from $2,500 - $6,350... you're not though. No one is man enough to wield them except Sly himself.