Ten Terrible Movies Coming To Theaters In 2012
While preparing to do our annual preview of the best movies coming to theaters in 2012, we found that an unusually high amount of turds were on their way as well. Here's a look at some movies you'll want to steer clear of in the new year.
‘Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace’
George Lucas will begin the next pimping of his Star Wars minions in 2012 with the theater re-release of the entire series in 3D. Unfortunately that means that the long, boring, Jar-Jar fest that is Episode I will hit theaters February 17th. Now you'll get to see the one of the best villains of all time (Darth Maul) not get enough screen time and then get killed in 3D. Just make some new Star Wars films or let someone else make a live action series instead of squeezing the last few pennies out of everything Lucas.
Whatever Adam Sandler Is In Next
Remember when Adam Sandler was in funny movies? I miss those days, mostly because I know that the Sandman still has it — he just needs to have someone else drive his career for a while. After real stinkers like the should've-been-way-better 'Grown-Ups' and the horrendous 'Jack and Jill,' we're hoping that Sandler can return with movies that will rival his better films like 'Billy Madison,' 'Happy Gilmour,' and 'The Wedding Singer.' Hopefully Sandler proves us wrong on this one.
‘Rock of Ages’
Just when you thought the movie musical trend was over, think again! The latest will feature tiny Tom Cruise as an 80's rocker — who will most likely ruin all your favorite Journey, Twisted Sister, Joan Jett, Pat Benatar, Foreigner, Bon Jovi and REO Speedwagon tunes by giving them the showtune treatment. The broadway version starred Dee Snider and one of the American Idol rejects — sounds like a real winner. You can start hating 80's rock even more on June 1st.
For some reason film studios have been paying millions and millions of dollars to use the titles of popular games like 'Ouija,' 'Rampage,' 'Asteroids,' and of course 'Battleship'. Perhaps the biggest red flag here is the fact that not 30 seconds into the trailer they name drop Hasbro like they're a respected film-making outfit — they're a damn toy company! In what's clearly a paycheck for the excellent Liam Neeson, 'Battleship' looks to be nothing more than an 'Independence Day' clone set on the ocean. My 'Battleship' game must've been missing pieces because I sure don't remember there being any aliens in it. When all is said and done this May 18th release might be fun to look at, but the logic behind it's creation is so stupid it will be hard for me to jump aboard 'Battleship.'
‘Men In Black III’
Do we really need to explain why MIB III (in 3D of course) is going to suck? We're still trying to figure out how the other ones made money. One bright spot in the soul-less void from which this money machine came is the inclusion of the incredibly hot Alice Eve in the cast — other than that forget it. Will Smith doesn't do a film for three years and comes back with this? We'd rather go see a sequel to the atrocious 'Wild Wild West' on May 25th.
‘Step Up 4′
Watch 'Step Up' or one of it's sequels and you'll know why going to see this is on June 27th is a bad idea.
‘A Thousand Words’
The fact that this film has sat on the shelf for roughly three years should give you an idea of how good it is. This 'Liar, Liar' clone features Eddie Murphy as a fast-talking publisher whose world is turned upside down when he is cursed (or some such bulls—) and only can speak 'A Thousand Words' — after which he will die. The only reason this half-baked turd is coming to theaters March 23rd is because of the renewed interest in Murphy due to 'Tower Heist' and his now cancelled hosting slot at the 2012 Oscars.
‘One for the Money’
When will Hollywood stop trying to convince us that Katherine Heigl is anything but a washed up TV actress? Every year she shows up in three or four unwatchable films — yet they just keep on casting her. This one sounds like a real innovator — Unemployed and newly-divorced Stephanie Plum lands a job at her cousin's bail-bond business, where her first assignment puts her on the trail of a wanted local cop from her romantic past. — didn't Jennifer Aniston star in this piece of s— last year?
‘The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2′
Young adults who can't act return to headline this awful sequel that will probably make more money than any movie ever made. Kristen Stewart will no doubt spend another two hours on-screen, mouth agape, giving a lifeless performance in the franchise's final installment. Wait is there gonna be more of these? Because honestly, I have no idea.
‘The Three Stooges’
Where do we even begin to describe this unholy abomination? The Farrelly Brothers ('Dumb And Dumber,''Kingpin,''There's Something About Mary') have championed this updated film take on the classic comedy trio for years. The trailer points out the exact reason why it has taken so long — it looks like the worst movie of all time. That's cool if the Farrelly's loved the show growing up, but someone should have told them that that type of humor hasn't worked for about 25 years. Their track record hasn't been phenomenal of late and this one (due April 13th) looks like it could be a career-ender for the talented pair.