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‘The Avengers’ Adult Film Review — Is The Parody As Good As ‘The Avengers’ Movie?

Vivid Entertainment

Pity the poor pornographer. As the dam has bursted on the free stuff, smut providers have had to rely on gimmicks to keep the lights on in their creepy, ammonia-scented warehouses. Porn parodies are nothing new (I recall an evening alone with a VHS copy of ‘Dougie Hoser: The World’s Youngest Gynaecologist’) but we’ve definitely entered a day when a Hollywood film and its smutty cousin can achieve, shall we say, simultaneous release.

I’m a comics nerd and, as such, I like to have complete sets of things. I’d already seen and loved ‘The Avengers‘ (twice) but it irked me that there was this shadow film, ‘The Avengers XXX,’ out there. I really wanted to watch it, but giving Vivid Entertainment my credit card for three days wasn’t an option. Not because I’m broke, but because my wife would no doubt see the bill. Luckily, I was able to schmooze my way into a free pass, something you couldn’t care less about, but I’m telling you because their telephone directory actually prompts you to dial “extension 69” at one point. I’ll go about the rest of my life a little bit happier knowing that.

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‘The Avengers XXX’ is, in its own way, surprisingly knowledgeable about the Marvel mythos. Its authors (the possibly non-psuedonymic Axel Braun and Mark Logan) clearly had their hands on some funnybooks in their day. The story begins with Bruce Banner naked in the desert after a big brawl with Abomination in Las Vegas. (I’m guessing this comes after the ‘Marvel One-Shot: The Consultant.’)

We then move to New York City and a secret meeting held by Nick Fury of S.H.E.I.L.D. Hawkeye is there and his complaints about the low-rent nature of the digs help to explain away the obvious inconsistency of this secret agency bunkering in a cold room with zero technology. “The Fantastic Four get the Baxter Building and we get an old abandoned warehouse. . .”

Yes, porno really is the domain of fantasy. Could you JUST IMAGINE an Avengers movie that was allowed to tie-in to the Fantastic Four?!?!?

Yes, true believers, in a way it is only the Vivid parody that is the truest Avengers flick, because it is the only one with Spider-Man. First, kill all the lawyers, indeed.

Anyhow, the opening scene (and the one with the most talking!) introduces some, but not all of the characters. Nick Fury goes around the table to say hello to everyone. He calls Carol Danvers Miss Marvel, which I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like (it’s MS. Marvel!) and he flat out ignores Sharon Carter, who is sitting right next to him. (Maybe this is part of his mindgame, because you won’t believe what she does to him later to ensure he doesn’t forget her.) Anyway, the mission is clear: they must stop the Hulk. The group starts to bicker (especially when Iron Man appears) so Scarlet Witch (or “The Scarlet Witch,” as Nick Fury calls her) silences all sound frequencies but her own so she can yell at them all.

Vivid Entertainment

I’m gonna put the gaffes squarely in the lap of Lexington Steele, the man playing Nick Fury. Considering the script makes mention of The Constrictor and Living Laser, this has got to be a case of someone just messing up a line. Steele shows his strong suit soon enough, but not until Hawkeye storms out of the room and meets up with Black Widow. And that’s when we’re reminding this is a porn film.

Director Braun knows his audience and does the right thing – Black Widow keeps her costume on for as long as humanly possible. It’s an impressive piece of marksmanship on Hawkeye’s part.

After this dalliance we cut to Iron Man, whose suit and Heads Up Display actually don’t look that bad. He tries to get the Hulk back from the desert, but the Hulk knocks him into the next state. When Sharon Carter goes to tell Nick Fury the news, she finds him very down. In time, though, she turns this quite literally around.

Here’s where I must applaud the Vivid team for its tremendous use of directional microphones. Phoenix Marie, the woman playing Sharon Carter, no doubt took up clarinet in band.

Over in S.H.E.I.L.D.’s gym/boxing arena Scarlet Witch is using mutant psionic abilities to destroy cheaply rendered clay pigeons. Ms. Marvel is impressed and, within moments, the two begin to take a genuine interest in one another. This is more complex than you might think, considering that Scarlet Witch’s helmet is made out of cheap plastic and if one were to touch it it would surely break the mood. And she puts that helmet in some odd positions.

Director Braun uses this opportunity to play some moody, percussive music and, well, let’s just say that, much like in the movie ‘Ratatouille,’ there came a point where I put down my critic’s pen and just enjoyed the meal.

Perhaps that explains why I was so nauseated by the next scene. In it, we meet The Mighty Thor and She-Hulk who is played by. . .Chyna. CHYNA? Oof.

I understand the need for stunt casting, but considering you’ve already got people dressed as superheroes, isn’t this a bit of overkill? Anyway, this Jerry Springer reject gets shown Thor’s hammer, and we don’t mean Mjolnir. It’s a disgusting bit of business that involves a lot of silence and sitting still. Chyna keeps her suit on, except for in key places, and you can watch her mind skip to her happy place as she suffers through this indignity like a mirthless housewife on her husband’s birthday. I will give her credit for going all in on the body paint. Anyplace that ain’t pink is green.

With this, then, the grand finale. She-Hulk, Thor and Spider-Man appear at S.H.E.I.L.D.’s hide-out. Thor starts talkin’ his crazy talk and Spidey is actually pretty funny. (He and Hawkeye are the most in character, if you are curious.) All decide they must come together as a group, but Ms. Marvel and Spidey take that literally in the next scene.

After that’s over (oh, and no mechanical shooters on this one) a Quinjet is seen zooming over the city. But there’s a new assignment, more important than the Hulk. We cut to someplace icy, a downed aircraft and, in ice, the suit of Captain America. Cut to black!

I’m such a ridiculous Marvel fan that I actually got a little bit excited by this cliffhanger. I know, I know – I have real problems.

‘The Avengers XXX’ ain’t bad for what it is, I suppose. Thor’s moment of brooding mentions Hela’s Realm and the Midgard Serpent, keeping in line with ‘Thor’ being the movie with the most amount of Easter Eggs. I can’t deny that the young woman who plays Carol Danvers, one Lexi Swallow, is a natural – and Danni Cole’s Scarlet Witch shows a keenness to please that is typical from a daughter of an evil father. I can’t say the whole film works as more than a collection of scenes, and has nothing compared to the climax in Joss Whedon’s picture.

Oh, and Spider-Woman is in this thing for one second but only has one line and doesn’t get naked. I guess that’s on the Blu-ray?

Read more of Jordan Hoffman’s movie reviews on ScreenCrush.com.

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