University of Michigan Fraternity Suspended for Getting Naked and Going Viral
A party invitation featuring half-naked members of the University of Michigan’s Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity has led to the suspension of the chapter after the photos gained national, boner-fide recognition – going viral on several popular websites.
According to the Pikes chapter president, Ryan Lee, the fraternity never intended for the photos or the invitation to be revealed to anyone outside the sorority girls; however, all of their scrawny asses somehow made it into the public eye, along with the invitation spelling out the following message of degradation and higher learning:
Subject: Cute Puppies, Organic Gourmet, High Fashion, and How to Make Him Eat Your Box (aka URGENT!!!!)
Do you love your homeland? We at Pike sure do. We read Whitman’s poems by our fireplace and pour maple syrup on our apple pie. We hold Alexander Hamilton’s belief that keg stands are not “a feat, but an expectation.” We recognize His benevolence in bestowing upon us His great and Holy game of Football, and one of our sophomores drives a pick-up truck. We exercise our 4th amendment right to drink beer through any orifice we want. We paddle pledges because it’s a comprehensive upper body workout. We invoke imagery of James Madison to describe particularly attractive females. And because the effort to throw our parties is entirely our own, we see to it that the grand majority of our peers remain uninvited, and presumably underemployed with little to no health benefits.
What is America? America is a place where drinking until you puke means drinking until you win. America invented the blunt. And LSD. America is disregarding next week’s midterms because Kamchatka doesn’t drink itself. America does not let the bartender cut her off. America. America is the love child of 2 Chainz, Kate Upton, and Tim Tebow. America is the Doritos Locos taco and Mountain Dew Baja Blast. America is John Wayne and Ice Cube and Ronald Reagan and Andrew Carnegie. America. America is the Louisiana Purchase and defending The Alamo. America gave the world Hostess and then pioneered the capital management metrics which shut that shit down. America is losing legs in ‘Nam and hazing terrorists in Abu Gharib. America invented the condom, and promptly outlawed it. America.
If the preceding two paragraphs didn’t excite you at all, I suggest that you stay alert for a forthcoming drone attack, you terrorist whore. If, however, you count yourself a red-blooded, God-fearing American girl who has a specific spring-time gym routine to accommodate her summer-time jean shorts, come to Pike this Friday night around 10:00. (Be fashionably late. That’s America.) Wear your most patriotic threads as we celebrate this great country together.
Need some outfit ideas? A few of us created an inspirational piece with some possible suggestions. Trim fingernails before viewing.
Through the night with a light from above,
– Pike Social
Hmm… in our America, wiener lipped frat boys, posing as Abercrombie models, do not get to wrap their sweaty junk in “Old Glory” and molest all that is left of the American wet dream; mocking some of this country’s tried-and-true traditions for the chance to beat up on a little beaver over the weekend. Hell no – in our America, it is patriotic to whip some ass over a stunt like this – just ask anyone sitting around the bar at the local VFW. Then again, maybe we’re just jealous because we can’t quite fill out the “Stars and Stripes” like these fellas.