Why Flint City Councilman Eric Mays Should Just Run for President
In a last minute decision, notorious Flint City Councilman Eric Mays has decided to run for the state House of Representatives. That’s fine and all, but why settle for Schlitz when you can have Heineken? This is why we, in the most serious, non-sarcastic way possible, think he should get in the race to be the next POTUS.
Eric Mays showed up in Lansing on Monday with the $100 that he thought was required to challenge Congressman Dan Kildee in the upcoming election. Unfortunately for Mays, he really needed 1,000 signatures, not a $100 buy-in. He was left with a serious decision… go home a lowly City Councilman or jump in the race for a higher position on a moment’s notice. “You had to have the 1,000 signatures and I couldn’t do that in one day,” Mays actually said in this 100% real quote from MLive. “I made a last-minute decision to run for the 34th District. I’ll decide between now and Friday whether I’ll withdraw.”
And he should withdraw. Why? Because someone with his qualifications needs to go all the way to the top. That’s right, baby — The White House. Here are the most obvious reasons that the beloved Flint City Councilman should get in the Presidential race for 2016:
- Brass Cojones — Didn’t you read above how he was able to make that tough, on-the-spot decision? That takes the kind of sack and unapologetic bravado we need in The White House. We’ve lacked a jump first, think second President since “Dubya The Decider” left office.
- Legalize It — Over half the country wants marijuana to be legal. I think we all know where Councilman Mays stands on that. If not, click here for a refresher.
- Intimidation — Other foreign leaders will tremble at the sound of President Mays’ voice. Get him on the phone with Putin and he’ll straighten right up in fear of what sounds like a chain-smoking Vin Diesel wearing a Bane mask.
- Never Say Die — Say what you will about E-Meezy, but he refuses to quit… even when he should.
- House Party — When was the last time a party at The White House got out of control? President Obama has had some pretty solid shindigs at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but can you imagine an Eric Mays White House Party? It would make ‘House Party’ look like ‘House Party 2.’ Sure, you may be able to see Scarlett Johannsson get a little tipsy at an Obama party. At an Eric Mays White House Party you could carve an ice sculpture with a chainsaw while freebasing with Macaulay Culkin and Charlie Sheen… all while in your skivvies during a Lil Boosie/Young Jeezy battle rap.
- National Security — the entire country will be safer once we have President Mays being driven around in the Presidential limo (aka “The Beast” or “Limo One”)
There you have it, folks. We’ll see you at the voting booth in 2016!