The 2013 ‘Nanners — Winners of the First Annual Banana Rock Music Awards
You’ve heard of the Grammys and the Oscars, well now we have our own awards for achievements in musical
excellence things that happened this year. Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present you with the first annual Banana Rock Music Awards, which we affectionately call “The ‘Nanners.”
Best Metallica Song
We absolutely loved Avenged Sevenfold’s
cover of Metallica’s ‘Sad But True’ brand new original song ‘This Means War’ from ‘Hail to the King.’ You can’t tell me they didn’t say at one point, “Guys, should we make this one less Metallica-y?”
This is our first year of The ‘Nanners, but I can guarantee this would be Kroeger’s 12th consecutive win in this category. Just look at those beautiful man-locks!
Best Song About Kevin Bacon
When we said, “Hell yeah we want some more bacon!” This isn’t exactly what we had in mind.
Best In-Flight Announcement in a Song
“Did ya hear the one about me flyin’ a plane?”
Best Axl Rose Mustache
Since nobody saw Axl this year to confirm he still has that bitchin’ handlebar ‘stache, our very own Tony LaBrie pulled a major upset in this category… we’re not kidding. That mustache upset a lot of people.
Best Scott Weiland
Take issue with that statement? Listen to the ‘High Rise’ EP and then go see Scott Weiland’s solo show. You’ll be a CheSTP (or Stone Chestered Weilands/Linkin Temple Pilots/Stone Temple Park) fan too. Not that we don’t respect Weiland’s body of work, but get it together, bro.
The “Seriously, WTF Are They Doing?” Award
There was a two-way tie for the band that made us repeatedly ask the question “WTF are they doing?” It was almost a threesome but Tool sounds like they’re finally making some progress on the new album. Other nominees included Slipknot and Mudvayne.
Like, isn’t Ronnie just totes adorbs? Like, cray cray adorbs. Totes magotes.
Best Goat Boy Impression
Don’t tell us you didn’t recognize that vibrato… unless you never watched SNL in the mid to late 90s. In that case, we totally believe you.
Best New Band… Name
Not since the days of Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate have we been so intrigued by a band based solely on their name. The name “J. Roddy Walston” itself evokes the image of a Texas oil tycoon or a fast-talking used car salesman with slicked-back hair that wants nothing more than to put you in a late model Cadillac with no money down. The fact that his band is called “The Business” lets you know that J. Roddy means business. In short – J.R. Dubs ain’t nuthin’ ta f— with.
Least Likely to Die Tonight
Not only are they ‘Not Gonna Die’ tonight, but they are going to stand and fight forever.
Most Aggressive Song About Being Polite
See, kids? It’s cool to say “please” and “thank you” from time to time. What do you mean “what is a Pearl Jam?” Go to your room!
Tiger Blood Award
Wes Scantlin receives this award for his exceptional accomplishments in drunkenness, his multiple arrests and just an overall Sheen-esque couple of years. In the past 2 years Wes has owed $60,000 in back taxes to the IRS, got divorced, was arrested at least four times and currently has a warrant for his arrest. His most interesting adventure involved vandalizing his neighbor’s house with a buzz saw and sledgehammer. Winning.
‘Possum Kingdom’ Award (Creepiest Love Song)
Maybe it’s just me, but I get totally creeped out whenever the phrase “I’ll follow you” starts getting thrown around. Although, that sexy ass piano intro almost undoes the creep-factor.
Best Didgeridoo Solo
Sure, any chump with six strings can pull a guitar solo out of their ass. We’d like to see one you punks try and top this 1 minute 30 second didgy shred-fest.
Best Meme Face in a Video
Is it just us or does he look a bit like Jason Segel here?
Best Talk Show Appearance
They gave him a handheld microphone because his quit working and they regretted it for the next 40 minutes. Manson went on epic, incoherent rants about zombie poop and the evolution of Rick’s hat. He also explained the most obvious plot points of the show’s first couple of seasons. It was awesomely unwatchable!
Best Rock Fail
This Rock Fail is so awful that it’s a win. You just can’t not watch it repeatedly. For more of our thoughts and questions about this one read our original article.
Worst Rock Fail
They can name every one of the Kardashians but can’t tell you which guys in Alice in Chains are still alive. Suck it, E!