The following story contains a neutral account of a relevant news item that 100% happened, but is sure to piss off half of our audience and have the other half screaming "fake news."

Earlier today [name of politician or celebrity] said that [he/she/they] doesn't agree with [name of politician/political view/stance or opinion on either of those things]. In response [any group of people] are outraged, which has resulted in [literally, anything that actually happened as a result -- for the purpose of this article making sense moving forward, we will refer to said result as "incident X"].

We reached out to [main person/group who would be upset by stance/opinion of the aforementioned politician or celebrityfor [his/her/their] response, but did not receive one before this article was published.

Update [2 hours after the original story was published]: Upon reading our [factual and non-opinionated] news story about [incident X], [people from previously mentioned outraged group] have made us aware that [they don't agree with those facts based on what they assumed was contained in the article after reading the headline on social media]. We [lengthy statement that has us trying to figure out how to apologize for reporting facts in a story because they hurt someone's feelings, despite the fact that it has nothing to do with us and said group of people are mad because they only read the headline and assumed we were making a political statement that differed from theirs, which is apparently not allowed anymore].

We will also be looking into [offensive comments people made about members of our staff personally, which are both untrue and completely unrelated to the subject of the article], and promise not to let this affect the way we do business moving forward.

We here at [name of literally any organization that publishes content online] want you to know that we take your opinions very seriously. We have heard your complaints about [unrelated thing people on social media said about us implying that we don't know how to do our jobs, while simultaneously mentioning complaints from the others who said we should stick to doing whatever facet of our business they most identify us with], and promise to [line of bulls*** that coddles said butthurt people and makes promises we have no intention of keeping related to our business].

Thank you for your support.

Sincerely [not sincerely],

[name of an authority figure at our company]

Editor's Note [4 hours after story was originally published]: We corrected our update of the story after it was pointed out to us by readers that we incorrectly [made an insignificant spelling error that in no way affected the tone or message of the story, but had multiple people so outraged on social media that they felt it was valid to insult our worth as humans in the comments] in our update of the original article.

Feel free to copy this article and play mad libs with the sections in italics for use during your company's next "outrage crisis."

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