The Things They Don’t Tell You About Being Tall in the Brochure
People are constantly telling me how if they were as tall as me they would've accomplished all their dreams or whatever. What they don't understand is that being tall isn't all slam dunks and being able to reach the top shelf -- there are all kinds of struggles that only us talls understand.
Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time someone told me they'd be the next Michael Jordan if they had my height -- I'd be retired by now. By the way, A lot of shorter or average height people have somehow, perhaps subconsciously, have blamed a number of their shortcomings on their height. Let me tell you as a dude who has been taller than most of his peers for his entire life -- being tall is not perfect, and brings with it its own set of challenges.
I know the grass is always greener, but next time you're cursing your lack of height, consider these things that you probably never thought of before:
I walk face first through at least one spider web a day.
I have lower back problems from a lifetime of lifting things improperly. It's awkward af to lift things like you're supposed to when you're tall.
Some people think being tall automatically makes you an expert fighter. It's a decent fight deterrent, but friends will sometimes overestimate you and get you into some s**t you wish they wouldn't have.
I'm 38 and my knees are starting to give out. Part of it is my weight, but I guess this is a pretty common occurrence with tall folk.
Regular showers were not designed for people over 5'11".
I can rarely buy a shirt that's long enough at regular stores. Most of them are too short and look like belly shirts.
And after I do buy a shirt, I have to hang dry it every time. I have to keep my laundry separate, because the first time it hits that dryer -- it doesn't fit anymore. I've lost so many good shirts to dryer mix-ups, you guys.
People constantly stop me in stores and say, "Hey, you're tall. Can you get this thing on the high shelf for me?" It's fine, and I don't mind helping, but I hate it when people have to tell me I'm tall. I know, dude.
I have no perspective on other people's height. I notice when people are really short, almost as tall as me, and taller. That's it. Everyone else is just "normal height" to me. People will say things like "he's short" and I'm always like "he is?"
I can't always find the shoes I want in my size, and some shoes, Chucks, for example, look like clown shoes on my big ass feet.
Most beds and couches were not made with dudes my height in mind.
Fitting into smaller cars sucks, but a lot of times people give you automatic shotgun because they know your big ass ain't fitting in back. That's actually pretty cool.
Have fun getting comfortable on a plane.
I look like I'm about to give birth whenever I dare to squeeze into a go-kart
Oh, you have a basement? I'm 100% going to hit my head on something in it.
I look like a god damn giant in every picture with my family and friends.
Don't get me wrong, I love being tall, but it's not the perfect existence that a lot of you have imagined. Also, if you were my height you'd still suck at basketball.