11 Plans to ‘Fix the Damn Roads’ That Suck Harder Than a New Gas Tax

Almost everybody is complaining about Governor Whitmer's new 45-cent gas tax proposal. We don't love it either, but it's better than some of these other sucky ideas.

Let's be frank, this idea sucked when Snyder proposed it (and later put it into action) and it still sucks now that Gretchen "we're gonna fix those damn roads" Whitmer wants to triple down on it. Now it's going to cost a ton for gas in a state where we already pay a ton for auto-insurance. It's not a great scenario.

Instead of joining the chorus of Michiganders who are rightfully bitching about the proposal, we decided to take the old "it could be worse" approach to make us feel better. Maybe it will work for you too.

Editor's Note: Please keep in mind these are made up things that would be less popular than a gas tax, and not actual proposals.

11 IDEAS TO FIX THE DAMN ROADS THAT SUCK WORSE THAN THE GAS TAX

1. Start a lemonade stand
2. Fill the potholes with puppies
3. Volunteer your eldest able-bodied child for one year of sweatshop labor
4. Start declaring them all as "sanctuary potholes" and wait for the president to build walls over them
5. Use bricks to fix the roads, which has always worked great for Downtown Flint
6. Give up on the roads, wait for flying cars
7. Sell all of our old comic books even though they're worth much less now than they were when we bought them in the 90s
8. Do nothing, hope that climate change eventually ends Michigan winters so the roads stop getting messed up
9. Put Flint's Mayor and City Council in charge of planning and all road funds
10. Send thoughts and prayers and hope they heal on their own
11. Make major corporations in Michigan, like ones whose name rhymes with Meneral Goat-ers, pay their fair share in taxes for one year...

Oops. Sorry about that last one, folks. We accidentally pasted that in from our "Obvious Ideas That Will More Than Pay to Fix the Damn Roads" list.