Seriously, you can come over whenever you want... we can even count it as part of my Christmas present. I NEED THIS, you guys.

If being the owner of lakefront property is a flex (and it totally is), owning a badass mansion that looks like the sexiest fortress you've ever seen on Lake Fenton is the ultimate flex. We're talking "that-power-bro-handshake-between-Arnold-Schwarzenegger-and-Carl-Weathers-in-Predator" levels of flexitudinality here.

Here's the thing, guys -- I need this in my life. This normal house stuff is just not where I thought I would be at this point in my life 20 years ago. So here's my proposal -- let's all chip in and get me this dope ass lakefront mansion as an early birthday present. My b-day isn't until October, but, like, this place will probably go quick and obviously, you want to be in a lake house by the summer.

I know it sounds selfish, but hear me out. I'm doing this for us. If you make this happen, you can come over whenever you want... within reason. Think of all the cool stuff you could do as a guest at my power lake mansion... actually, I like the sound of "Lakefront Compound," and it kind of has that look too. Anyway, just imagine coming over -- occasionally, as a guest -- to my Lakefront Compound and...

Pick me up in your boat for a day of fun on the water. 

Remax

Please note that I said your boat -- the Riddle Lakefront Compound is B.Y.O.B. (Bring Your Own Boat). Sorry, it's policy.


You could pose for dope ass Instagram photos in my baller foyer.

Remax

It's pronounced "foy-yay" and if you pronounce it "foy-err" I have to delete your photos and ask you to leave. Sorry, a house like this demands a certain level of respect and fanciness.


Have lakeside cookouts in my enormous backyard/deck area.

Remax

Please bring a dish to pass (nothing with raisins in it) and beer. Also, I should let you know that ketchup and Mtn. Dew are not allowed at places this fancy.


After the cookout, we could bong some of your beers off of my sweet balcony.

Remax

I swear to god that better not be PBR. How dare you? Kind leave, sir.


When I eventually allow you back to my compound -- it's gonna take a while -- we could drink good beer out these comedically oversized Game of Thrones wine goblets in one of my sick dining rooms.

Remax

Don't talk about Game of Thrones though. I didn't watch it, and I'm sure as hell not going to start now.


We could watch movies or shows in one of my cool living rooms.

Remax

I thought I made myself clear about the Game of Thrones thing... WE'RE NOT WATCHING THAT. Go back to Hogwarts if you want to watch that dorky dragon stuff, Frodo.


Maybe you could even stay overnight in one of my 7 bedrooms.

Remax

By "one of" I mean "the smallest one of," which is definitely not this one.


Can you imagine this being your view while you take a dump in the morning?

Remax

Obviously, that's a rhetorical question. You won't be pooping in one of my six and a half bathrooms. Go stink up your own bathroom. 


Imagine how relaxing it will be to enjoy your morning coffee or bloody mary (no judgment) while looking out over the lake. 

Remax

Alright, you've relaxed long enough. Time to get to work. I'm hungry.


Make me breakfast in one of my unbelievable kitchens.

Remax

Obviously, I've been joking. You won't have to make me breakfast. Come on, that's ridiculous... because I never invited you back after the PBR incident. Seriously, man. Have some self-respect. And again, how dare you?


So anyway, doesn't that sound fun? Just HMU when you've closed the deal and put a giant red bow on the house for me. You can find more details on how to do all that and see more pictures of my place by clicking here. Leave the keys in the mailbox and I'll call you when we're ready to start accepting guests. Thanks!

Remax