The Five People You Meet In Walmart

Walmart is the only place on earth where the "Enter" and "Exit" signs are blatantly disregarded by a majority of customers. I know it’s confusing because they went the Un-American way by placing the doorway you’re supposed to use on the left. This makes more sense when you look at the layout of the store but most Americans are accustomed to using the right lane. I always try to go through the correct door but I usually end up having to avoid a collision with a mouth-breather. Quite often I will have to actually stop walking and step out of the way of an obese couple. The first few times this happened I let it go, now I find my self making grand and sarcastic gestures like holding out and arm and saying “No please, you go ahead” or “Entrance is over there… but excuse me." Speaking of fatties that brings me to the next group of fellow shoppers I despise…

If you're not a fan of The Big Lebowski you probably don't get the reference, but I'm talking about people (usually fat ones) who use motorized carts unnecessarily. Let's put aside the fact that if they got off their dead ass and walked around the store every so often they would actually shed a few LB's on the way to the ice cream aisle. My problem with this group is that I am constantly getting stuck behind them while they discourteously stop in the middle of the aisle to look at canned pork and beans. Not only that but they pretend to ignore your presence as if they are the only one in the store. You know I'm standing behind you, tubby. Let's move it!

Listen parents, "The Mart" is not a free zone where your kids can run amuck and their actions have no consequences or repercussions. For example -- When your child walks through the store, scuffing their feet along without lifting them making that annoying sound, tell them to knock that ish off. You may be able to tune your stupid kids annoying habits out, but that doesn't mean that the rest of us can. Whatever happened to making your kids behave in public anyway?

I'm usually in the store at night, after work or after my kids have gone to bed. I am also usually in a hurry to get back home to go to bed or to make dinner with the goods I just purchased from the store. No matter what time I go in or what day, there are 4 cashiers working and 20 unattended registers. This is fine when it's slow, but there are always 12 people in each line. I know you guys are turning a bit of a profit, hire some damn cashiers.

What is this... 'C.S.I. Flint?' Why are you holding your card up to the sky and leering at it with curiosity? Are you asking your spirit guide to validate your purchase? Swipe your card, enter your pin. If you don't get it, have your children explain it to you.

Seriously, this is not an exaggeration. 90% of the time people use the "Hey, you're tall" lead in. This happens about once every other trip to the store. Damn Size-ists! I don't mind helping out but if I said "Hey, you're short. Get me that bottle of Iced Tea on the bottom shelf," you'd tell me to "go screw." Just because I'm tall does not mean I am obligated to help you, take some vitamins or learn some manners.