The 2o12 Summer Olympics are here and since America is the greatest country ever, we damn well better win some gold.  Check out the top five American athletes that shouldn't be satisfied with silver.

Number Five: Holley Mangold - Super-Heavyweight Women's Weight Lifting


First of all, if your name has gold in it, it's pretty obvious what your expectations are.  Second of all, Holley Mangold is a beast.  She's the younger sister of NY Jets center Nick Mangold and she actually played center for her high school football team.  She's competing in the super-heavyweight division for women's lifting standing at 5'8" and weighing in at 350 friggin pounds.  Holley can snatch-clean-and-jerk over 500 pounds which is absolutely ridiculous.  If a chick is going to be that beast, if she doesn't get the gold, it was pretty much all for nothing.

Number Four: Michael Phelps - Swimming


The reason I want Michael Phelps to win so bad is for pothead validation.  Ever since I saw that picture of Phelps' ripping that bong, I've been a huge fan.  I know Phelps already has a ton of gold and a lot of people are doubting if he's still got what it takes, but I think even one more gold from Phelps is proof that stoners can do anything.  Get stoned and go swimming kids!  America supports you!

Number Three: Gabby Douglas - Women's Gymnastics


America loves an underage gymnast and Gabby Douglas is the most hyped of the 2012 class. I've heard that this years team of gymnasts is supposed to be one of the best of all time but China is hell bent on walking out of London with blood on their hands and gold around their necks.  Douglas will join 17-year-old Michigan teen Jordyn Wieber to take on the world.

Number Two: Lolo Jones - 100-meter Hurdles


Lolo Jones is the Tim Tebow of Track and Field.  She's 29, pretty damn hot, a professional athlete and she's still a virgin.  Which is cool if that's your thing, I'm just really happy that's not my thing.  Lolo made news this year by coming out about her virginity and blew a shot at gold in 2008 in the China games.  Jones was pulling ahead in 100-meter hurdles when she tripped on the second to last hurdle.  Sex and winning are two of life's greatest pleasures, Lolo deserves to taste at least one of them.

Number One: US Olympic Team - Men's Basketball


For as much as I hate LeBron, I still love America way more.  So I'll be cheering for Team USA, but if they come home with anything other than gold, there will be hell to pay.  First of all, the fact that Kobe, LeBron and Durant are on that team is an automatic 9o points.  International basketball is a lot better than it was 20 years ago, but it's pretty inexcusable if the NBA All Star team doesn't win gold.  And the fact that Kobe and LeBron said that the current US team could beat the Dream Team is just ridiculous.  The big men on the 92 team would dominate and if they played by 1990's NBA rules, the 2o12 team wouldn't know what to do with themselves.  The 1992 Dream Team was the best team ever assembled and if the current roster can't even win the gold, it'll quickly end the debate on which team is better.

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