Wilson’s Advice on ‘How To Be a Baller’
But how do you become a baller? Nicefield gave us a few tips. Some of them are surprisingly sweet.
1 - Call your mother at least once a week: A true baller knows that momma (and poppa) are the sole reason(s) you walk this green earth. If you’re lucky enough to still have yours walking alongside you then you better pick up that phone and give them the kudos they deserve. Sure, we all know that sometimes a person's driving reason to succeed is to show their family they didn’t need to “keep their day job,” but, at the end of the day…isn’t even that scenario enough to pay homage to the 'rents if you make it in this life? Don’t be a twat, call your moms, holmes!
2 - Adopt an abused dog and heal its broken heart: I can’t stress this enough. If you’re going to bring a "fur baby" into your life, do your damnedest to get out to your rescue shelters and search for your very own “good boy/girl”; high kill shelters in particular. Nothing chaps my ass more than when I see some dildos with money go and sit in a breeders wait tank so they can get their “genetically perfect” pooch just to use it to jerk off in front of their co-workers, friends and families about it on Instgram. Fucking barf. There’s thousands and thousands of beautiful, broken-hearted, homeless woofers literally begging to love someone as much as you want something or someone to love you. Bonus: Imagine when you take that 8 year old love muffin to your local doggy park and you see all the hotties scurrying over to you to catch its name! Cha-Ching! Now, I’d never advocate to rescue a dog for the pure selfishness of pulling some tight poon or gigantic balls…but there’s perks for sure, ladies and gentlemen.
3 - Eat a box of Outshine popsicles a day: Nothing says you work hard for your money like enjoying a delicious fruit pop after a hard day of telling other people to eat your shit for a living. Believe me, as a fellow baller, it fucking rules to tell others to eat your shit while licking up a tasty Outshine bar. Makes me feel like one of those dick head cats that takes a squat on your white carpet, staring you square in the eyes, never breaking contact whilst licking its paws clean as it squirts out its Fancy Feast right there in front of you. Even though I pretty much despise felines, I respect their pimp ass attitudes from a distance. Purr on kitty. Purr on. (Outshine...I could use the sponsorship y'all)
4 - Drink sparkling alcoholic seltzer water at every social gathering: I wish I had more to offer as to why this is a credible baller move…but honestly, if you can’t understand how truly baller it is then I’m sorry, you’re never gonna be a baller. Trust me and just try it a few times.
5 - Buy a dumptruck; Then drive it to your place of business. Walk into your bosses office. Remove your shirt. Take a shit on the floor (bring a box of popsicles with you). Use shirt to wave around your head like a helicopter while shitting on floor. Pull up your pants. Quit your job. Move back in with your parents. Get free WiFi.
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