Kalamazoo Man Listening to Owls, Arrested for Pooping on PT Cruiser, Claims to Bleed ‘Pure. Natural. Ice.’
Judging by the headline, you can already guess this story takes a LOT of twists and turns, but trust me... you're gonna want to stick this out because it is a chaotic blend of everything you could ever want in an unhinged, unbelievable journey.
And unbelievably, it all happened in Kalamazoo County.
Earlier in December, Conservation Officers were patrolling the Gourdneck State Game Area in Kalamazoo County, when they came across a PT Cruiser that seemed slightly suspicious. The officers approached the vehicle, where a man was parked, and said he was "listening to the owls" and wanted to be left alone.
It was while they were questioning the person, they noticed an open, tall container of Natural Ice Beer in the cup holder. (That's an important detail for what's coming up next).
Officers asked the man, on a scale of 1-10, how drunk he was.
"I'm at a 5. I'll be honest, I'm drunk."
Best response ever, and honest. I'm sure the officers appreciated that... for at least a brief moment.
So, obviously, you can't be behind the wheel of a motor vehicle while intoxicated, even if it isn't moving, so they conducted sobriety tests on the man.
This is where things take a turn for the... weird.
Out of NOWHERE, the man made a "face of shock," according to the officers, grabbed his behind, and dropped his pants to his ankles, and began pooping on the bumper of his PT Cruiser.
Well, that was enough for police, so they took him into custody, and to a hospital to have his blood drawn for testing. But on the way, the guy decided NOW was the time to criticize the officers for using GPS to find their way around town.
"Man, I'm the drunk one here, and I have to give you directions on how to take me to jail you moron."
They arrived at the hospital, and as nurses began to draw blood the man, once again, piped up, saying they weren't drawing blood, but in fact...
"It's all beer. Not gonna lie to you. Pure. Natural. Ice."
THAT... is now my new battle cry when I'm drunk at the bar, and someone asks me how I'm doing... "PURE... NATURAL... ICE BABY!"
The man was then taken to jail, and charges were filed for the prosecutor's review.
Now, part of me is VERY happy that these guys arrested him, and took him off the road in a potentially dangerous drunk driver situation.
The other part of me is like... "this dude just wanted to chill out, in his PT Cruiser, sip on some beer, and listen to the owls. They couldn't have just given him a lift home or something?"
That being said, if he was still gonna have to suddenly poop in the back of the cruiser during that ride home, then yeah... he was still probably going to jail.