Kellogg’s Originally Developed Corn Flakes to Stop Masturbation

Wheaties will keep you from beating your meaty. While not exactly true, Michigan physician Dr. John Harvey Kellogg did develop the famous breakfast cereal “Corn Flakes” while attempting to develop a diet that would prevent his patients from masturbating.

Kellogg, who apparently had some serious sexual hang-ups, believed that diddling the misses was bad, but bopping the bologna was far worse. “If illicit commerce of the sexes is a heinous sin, self-pollution is a crime doubly abominable.” Kellogg wrote in Plain Facts for Old and Young: Embracing the Natural History and Hygiene of Organic Life. Bad posture and a voracious appetite for spicy foods were part of a laundry list of symptoms that Kellogg believed caused people to cuff the old carrot.

So what was the deal with feeding chronic masturbators Corn Flakes? While working at Michigan’s Battle Creek Sanitarium, Kellogg believed that a healthy diet would remedy the five-knuckle shuffle. So, he fed patients a baked concoction of oatmeal and corn meal that he called “granula.” He also gave patients yogurt enemas, all of these bizarre methods were intended to keep his patients from yanking the crank.

Of course, shoving cereal down your throat and yogurt up your ass will not keep you from buffing the banana. Perhaps this failure is how Kellogg came up with Frosted Flakes?